I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
