so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
