I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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