On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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