Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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