since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
