at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
