this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...