i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
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I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
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No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.