I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
