I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
