My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize