He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
you had me at cake vodka
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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