I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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