I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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