Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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