This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
