What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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