I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
