I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
