sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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