After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
