i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
