she was so not down for the gang bang
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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