pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
