If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
