If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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