i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
