I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
