So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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