Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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