There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
