I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
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like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
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I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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