I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
