get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
