There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Randomize
