I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
