my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Randomize
