i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
