I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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