Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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