I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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