I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
