Umm I'm too high to move.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
