btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
