he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
