I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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