he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
