Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
