You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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