This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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