the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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