I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
