Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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