she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
