I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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