2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
